Resolutions…

I told myself that I would write down a list of my resolutions on January 1st. It’s now the 3rd and I’m finally getting to it, so you could say 2017 is off to a phenomenal start.

2016 was a really shit year. I know, it was terrible for the world in general (read: EVERYTHING), but it was also pretty terrible for me personally (I am an extremely selfish person, so to me that’s the most important.) I lost (and then somewhat regained) a very good friend, I had my heart and soul completely ripped apart by someone I never should have let close to me, I caused someone immense pain due to my own inability to know what I want, I finished school only to be met with the looming darkness that is unemployment, all the while battling worsening anxiety. It’s been tough.

I’m not going to pretend that it being 2017 is going to make it all better. The new year is something that humans made up. It’s an otherwise insignificant night, where the clock turns from 12:00 p.m. to 12:01 a.m. just like it does 365 times a year. But resolutions are a thing that people do, and I have an overbearing desire to fit in, so here it goes.

Katie’s (somewhat realistic) 2017 goals and resolutions:

  1. GET A FUCKING JOB. – I’ve been unemployed for two months now. I know in the grand scheme of things, that isn’t too long, but it’s felt like an eternity. I’m poor, I’m bored, I’m insecure and hopeless and have lost all sense of purpose. And no, I’m not being over-dramatic. I have the right to feel things, so fuck off.
  2. WORKOUT. – I’ve had small spells of working out that get great results. Then I eat too much, and completely forget about the art of self-preservation. As stated above, I’m painfully unemployed, so what better time to wake up every morning and move my body around. I can do this, this is realistic.
  3. STOP FUCKING PEOPLE OVER. – This is a good one. Wether it be romantic, platonic or familial, it never ceases to amaze me how good I am at hurting the people who love me. I’ll elaborate more on this in future posts, but for now, just know that I’m sorry, and that I’m trying. I will try harder.
  4. BE HAPPY. – I make this resolution every year, and it hasn’t worked yet. I think the reason for that is that I have no idea what will make me happy, no idea who I really am and am also trying to find something that doesn’t exist. I’m starting to realize that looking for happiness is like trying to remember a dream you just had – every time you get close, it just evaporates and your left frustrated, confused and longing. I believe that once happiness is found, you just stop thinking about it. I resolve to stop thinking about happiness. It will find me.

And though I am, by definition, a basic white girl, I will not leave you with “2017 will be my year”, etc… 2017 will be a year, just like any other. Good things will happen and bad things will happen. We will focus on the bad, we will romanticize the good and maybe somewhere between now and next year, I’ll have done something to make myself proud.

 

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